Pace Press

Issue date: 4/1/04 Section: Arts & Entertainment

Mwhahaha

If I had to pick the hardest type of movie to review, I'd say the remake has always given me trouble, especially when it came to putting down how I felt about it. For every Italian Job, Get Carter and Texas Chainsaw Massacre I force myself to sit through, I can't help but think, "These would be OK movies if the originals were never made." But they were, and I watched and enjoyed them, so automatically I'm walking in with a bias.

I love zombie movies. But I missed out on the heyday of classic grind house cinema, that period in the 70s and 80s when budgets were shoestring, film was grainy, blood flowed like water (in terms of consistency and quantity), and actors were campy. Nobody took any of this seriously. I've seen enough of these films -played enough of these games- to become familiar with the clichés, the predictable plots, and the zombies-right-behind-you, jump-in-your-seat moments.

Based off the 1978 George Romero film of the same name the 2004 update of Dawn of the Dead feels like a soulless shell of what the original was (see, told you, biased from the beginning). Where the first was an action/comedy/horror movie that always seemed to take itself as a satire and delivered biting social commentary about American consumerism, this new version, directed by Zack Snyder, just seems to be trying too hard.

It's all here. A scared shitless populace, flesh hungry undead, boom sticks, pistols, and other improv artillery galore, and buckets of blood that just can't wait for Kill Bill Vol. 2. So what happened? Well, for one, there's a multimillion dollar budget behind this, production and marketing, which means they could afford name brand actors, dozens of extras, pretty posters, and a special effects and CGI team. Second, they want so badly for you to buy into the entire ridiculous plotline: a zombie plague or something has wiped out most of the Earth's populace and that the eight some odd survivors must somehow find safety.

They'll throw new casts at you that make The Blair Witch Project look like it was shot with a StediCam. They'll attempt to get you to empathize with the characters, but blow off the contrived back stories they've drawn up for them. Ving Rhames, who plays a cop, is looking for a brother in the military. When informed that his brother's outpost was wiped out, he shrugs it off. Mekhi Phifer, who doesn't appear to have the common sense God gave mechanical pencil refills, attempts to save his zombified pregnant wife and then kills one of the normal survivors when she wisely puts the poor woman out of her twitching misery. The plot details are no better. Where did this plague come from? The filmmakers never tell us, either because it's one of them mysterious-type zombie plagues or because they were just too lazy to write it in. Even 28 Days had an explanation, however stupid it may have sounded (monkey rage... ooh clever).

It's not a bad movie. It's got a lot of scary moments, shooting, squirting severed appendages, more shooting, some genuinely funny sequences (of course, I laughed through all the parts that had other audience members screaming, too), and over-the-top stereotyped characters, which make for an easy, though-free watch. That and if you take your guy or girl and don't squirm, you can show them how tough you are.

On its own, it's watchable, and yeah, even enjoyable. But the moment you factor in the original, the value drops to, well, something that I probably wouldn't pay $10 for. Go for fun, on a date, or if you need an introduction to modern cheese horror movies. If you've seen the first one, stay at home, pop some 70s classic in the DVD player, and enjoy a bowl of nice... yummy... brains...

Mmmm... brains...

Grade:B-

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