All right guys, it's time for condom tips!

I know some of you already know how to do this, but bear with me as I lead you through this condom-usage exercise and fact check (partner not necessarily required). And ladies, you should read this too.

Now, your first two steps before you even unwrap the condom (this one is required) is to make sure it's still good. It's true that condoms generally have a long shelf life, but they can expire and become less affective, so just pretend it's a gallon of milk - everyone checks the expiration date on milk, as everyone should check the expiration date on condoms. Let's face it: some of you guys have been carrying around the same condom for years hoping to get lucky. Check that date.

And while you're checking the date, give it a little squeeze. There should be a little air bubble in the center of the package. If it's not there, it means that the package isn't sealed right and your condom is no good. This is important as venereal diseases are not fun and neither is raising a child, so don't mess around with this stuff.

In keeping with the milk analogy, you wouldn't leave milk in a hot place, so don't leave your rubbers in one either. This includes your back pocket and the glove compartment of your car. It's fine for a short time, but the heat will damage it sooner or later.

Alright, now on to the fun part. I'm going to assume you all know how to load your own gun, so we'll skip to putting that sucker on. For you guys that still have your foreskin, you need to remember to pull that down before you put the condom on. After you've placed it over the tip of the penis, you just roll it down. Remember to leave about a half-inch space at the top so that the reservoir tip can collect your manly offering. While you're rolling it down with one hand, use the other hand to pinch all of the air out of the tip. After you've rolled it all the way down, smooth it out so there are no air bubbles. The reason many condoms break is because of the friction that builds up over air bubbles.

You've got the hard part over with, but before you turn on the porn music, there are a couple more things you need to know. If you're going to use lube, do not use any that are oil based. Leave the baby oil, moisturizer, massage oil and, yes, whipped cream above the waist. A good rule of thumb is if it has the word "oil" in it anywhere, don't go using it on your nether regions. What you want to do is pick up some water-based lube, K-Y jelly, Astro Glide, Aloe-9 - any of these will work. Spit also won't damage your condom.

In the event that your latex buddy decides to break in the heat of the moment, just pull out and replace it. If anything leaks out, clean your self up and replace it. If anything leaks into your lovely lady/male friend, it may be a good idea to look into some emergency contraception. Just call up your reproductive health doctor within 120 hours and find out your options. Planned Parenthood is another option. But guys, though you should be able to tell when a condom has broken, it might be a good idea to break one while pleasuring yourself to know what it feels like.

OK, you've done your deed (either with yourself or with someone else). Now there's one more little thing; you have to take the condom off. Do this before you soften. Hold the condom against the base of your penis while you pull out so you don't spill anything. Dispose of your little bag of love and go wash up before you cuddle up with your lover (or, um, yourself) again.

Now, time for some last minute preaching: we all know what AIDS is; we all know how easy it is to get knocked up. There is no excuse to not use a condom, especially in college when your RA's hand them out for free. All you have to do is ask. Condoms are not that expensive, and they come in every color and flavor under the sun. If being creative helps, that's fine, but don't be stupid enough to go without it. Ladies, if you're too embarrassed to ask your guy to wrap up his fun stick, you're not ready to sleep together. If you can't have a completely open conversation about sex, don't do it. Go be safe and have fun, just watch where you spray the whipped cream.